at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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