she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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