i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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