You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
