U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
