I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
