the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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