she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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