Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
