he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
