I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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