it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
