Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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