I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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