We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
