i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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