thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
