Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
