Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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