I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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