gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So many bounce houses so little time
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
