Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
