K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
