I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
