I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
