i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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