you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
