I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
