I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
