Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There are leaves in my underwear?
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