I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
