I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
