In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
