My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
