Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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