I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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