I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
