I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
