Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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