I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Ladies don't puke and tell
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
