You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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