According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dick very happy bro
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
