I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can I color on your dick again?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
