my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
