she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
