i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My bed smells like the plague
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