Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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