I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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