I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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