Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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