just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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