i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
